One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
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Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Bring back the McRib
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.