my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
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Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth