Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
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Maybe jesus needs me in his life
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I saw nothing
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[at the general store]
me: one general please
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*