[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…