My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
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Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive