Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
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Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Hard not to take this personally
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
our love story in four pictures
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.