Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
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Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
The point of your 20s
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.