If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
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I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Somebody call the cops.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
They’re the worst 😩
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse