*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
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Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
😬
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
c’mon!
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon