I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
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My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
was Jim off killing horses or…
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times