Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks