Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
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In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
describing stardew valley
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.