Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
You Might Also Like
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?