train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
You Might Also Like
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
How it started How it’s going
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.