WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…