Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
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My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Thinking about Jeff
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
😏😏😏
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
#NoRestForTheWicked
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.