Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
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My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Monday Lisa
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore