Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
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Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The future is now.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
😂😂😂😂😂😂