mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Note to self: always read the final line
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
What an awful time to have common sense.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?