I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
You Might Also Like
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
what does he know…
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.