I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
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Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”