[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
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If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.