Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
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[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage