What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
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I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Snapes on a plane.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.