*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
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If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.