Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
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Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”