Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
$3 #books
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
My sex drive has a dui
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.