I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
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Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Oh. My. God.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
m’lady
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.