billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
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ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.