The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
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My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I can’t stop watching this.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me too 😆
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something