My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
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Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.