My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
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Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
estão todos miauvindo?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks