This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
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The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”