[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
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ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
😅🤣😂
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.