The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
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😂 amazing answer
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
They’re called werewolves.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road