I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
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Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread