[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click