You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
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“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
no refunds
I saw this ending much differently.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.