A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
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There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Customer is always right
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
iPhone: I鈥檓 gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn鈥檛 do it bro. just didn鈥檛 feel right. vibe was off
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Generation gap…
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Taking my husband鈥檚 last name doesn鈥檛 mean I鈥檓 not a feminist it means I don鈥檛 want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Me: it was my grandmother鈥檚 ring
Her: *gasp* it鈥檚 beautiful
Me: and this is my mother鈥檚 wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
60% of Americans? That鈥檚 almost half. 馃檪
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Dear websites I don鈥檛 give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 馃槼
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?