my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
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[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.