I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded