Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
You Might Also Like
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”