Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
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My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Steam Forums
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
men are simple creatures
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for