[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
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HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer