me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I don’t get marriage
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?