The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
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[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*