Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.