I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
omg leave her alone
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.