Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
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I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
live, laugh, laundry.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever