Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?